


Enclosed Instructory for Green

by Snoxen



Series: FUNdamentals [3]
Category: Banjo-Kazooie Series, Housepets!, Mario Story | Paper Mario, Rockman | Mega Man Classic, Super Mario & Related Fandoms, Touhou Project, the holy bible, the quran
Genre: Other, Stands (JoJo)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:35:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26758849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snoxen/pseuds/Snoxen
Summary: (Literature for Windows 7/8/10)(The following story is NOT canon to FUNdamentals)Paper Luigi lives his life, whether he wants to or not.
Series: FUNdamentals [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1499585
Kudos: 1





	1. Meet Paper Luigi

In the flat realm of paper, stays a subtle cardboard house on a hill, where me and my bro live our easy life. There's no problem in the world, because all I need is a simple life.

We (me and Mario) both sat in our shared dining room, and on our table was vegetarian spaghetti. I was starting to get a migraine, though; my bro and his adventure stories were always strange, but this time, it pretty much made no sense…

"... And while in another dimension, Mega Man did the killing blow to the deranged Dr. Wily, and travelled his way back to our team using the final energy of the chaos emeralds!" My bro, Mario, continued. "So now the emeralds are finally gone, and all peace is restored."

That entire story not only took a good hour of my time, but also sounded made up. I ate during all that, but my bro's food has been sitting there the whole time. Must be growing mold.

"Uh… sounded fun, but how did you know about the parts you weren't there for?" I asked.

Mario, who shan't be confused with his non-paper variant, stared through me. "I'm not sure… the whole thing sorta blends together. Unlike the other adventuring shit, this time, I barely did anything."

That was believable, I guess. "Are you sure you're still cut out for this, Mario?" That was a paper pun.

"Of course I am." My bro cleared his throat, then deep throated a bunch of water.

"So… trying that diet thing again, huh?"

"Yep! We both are!" Mario controlled. "No more lazy-ing around, 'kay?"

Oh no… it's gonna be another diet phase. At least Mario's seems a little more ready, for now at least.

"We're gonna wake up at 5 in the morning, too."

Huh?? "For what?" I contained myself while asking. What did this have to do with being healthy?

"Just do it, alright?" Is all he could say. Uuuuggh, if my brother actually wakes me up that early, I'll put a hammer in his chest.

Time passes and peace continues. Day in and day out is nice. I haven't been employed in so long, that's just the benefit of having a rich bro. It really does just blend together, doesn't it?

"This is boring as shit, Luigi. How do you do this?" Mario asked.

"All ya gotta do is take it easy and dream the day away."

Before I could comprehend it, I was already snoozing in my green bed. Closing my eyes, it was as if the world around me stopped in place; the only things I ever have to worry about right now are the sun and moon spinning. Aaarrgh itz so peacefu

"Hey sexy pants…"

Oh right, my bro bugs the shit out of me if I don't brush my teeth before bed. Fuuuck, okay fine.

I heard the click of a switchblade.

Over my helpless tucked in body, in the middle of the dark midnight, someone had broken in!? There was a stranger on top of me! I finally caught a glimpse as they struck a match on their turtle-like beak, lighting up the area.

They wiggled their blade across my pale skin. "Mario did tell you, right?" He said, with some nasal quality in their voice. This "beast" was just a koopa, a weak one at that.

"Please don't take my precious virginity!" My instincts forced that one out of me. Guess I'm still waking up.

"Excuse me? Mario told you, right??" With their match dulling from all the shaking around, the dumb koopa just put it out. The lights flicked on, and the eroding confidence of the strange koopa was shown in full. "Hi… my name's… Koops."

I threw my blankets off to the side and sat up right. "What the fuck just happened?" I half stuttered. I looked to my wall clock: 5 AM.

"S- so Mario said that the mornings are w-when you're the most… excited…" Koops threw up his words. "It's okay! W-we're both 'clumsy virgins'... Right?"

I sighed, picking up my hammer. "You've got some nerve, waking me up like that! NOW BEG FOR YOUR FUCKING LIFE!"

Koops jumped back against the wall.

"Come on, bitch. Use that switchblade like a man." This is where my Italian accent shines. I could be a little intimidating when my peace was disturbed.

"H-holdd on! Luigi, your bro gave me this switchblade!" Koops wiped off some sweat. "He said you r-really enjoy a good scare… is that so?"

I half ignored him. Wait a second, me and my bro share the same room. Why isn't he in here? I also recognize Koops' blade! That was in Mario's old toolbox, which he usually keeps locked under a 4-digit combination. What the fuck is going on here??

I took a better voyeur at the koopa; sad and lubricant eyes, a fresh nasal strip, and a woman's jacket, of the fluffy variant. This koopa's looks scream "my girlfriend found someone better."

Koops folded the blade and kicked it over to me. "S-sorry?"

Was there a reason I didn't immediately pop off on this fool? I yawned and pointed my finger at Koops. "I know you." I said out of nowhere.

Koops chuckled wimpishly. "I'm an ally to Mario! Remember the crystal stars?"

Not really. "Another adventure buddy, huh?"

He nodded.

"Havin' trouble with your gal? Wasn't her name… Koopie Koo, or something?"

He kept a complacent look, saying nothing. He wasn't in the position for complacency, but whatever.

"I don't feel like doing legal despute stuff. Just crash on the floor."

And so the night turned into a sleepover, but this conclusion to my day irritated me.

I spoke up before calling bed time. "Koops, what the fuck were you thinking?" I said.

I heard Koops shuffling from inside his shell. "Yeah… you're super nice for letting me live, but I'm experiencing a sensation of regret that I'll never get out for as long as I live, I'm sure. Can we wait for Mario to come back in the morning? He'll explain better than I could."

And now I feel like shit, like if someone took my strombolli, which is fitting because I'm a hungry Italian. I switched over to a methodical mindset in the morning.

"Mario are you there?" I said. He wasn't back from last night. Uugh. Whatever, I'll keep Koops here till the end of time if I have to; I _will_ question my bro. "MARIO, ARE YOU HERE?!"

The living room was so fucking damp. Was it raining last night?? God damn it! Fucking cheap-ass roofers goin around the kingdom. The cardboard wood flooring must be ruined, it's collapsed in several areas. Wait, rain doesn't reek this badly…

I heard the creek of a table in the next room. "Mario?"

Occupying the creeks were a small hissing.

I went through the opening to the kitchen, and there my brother was. He stared directly at me. He was on the edge of the table, with a rope tightly around his leg, connecting to the table leg.


	2. M is Bad

My bros looks were color inverted. He was not my Mario!

"I thought I told Koops to take care of you."

Was this some sort of elaborate attack? He stood atop the edge of the table, tied to the legs. Behind him, there was very faint flapping. I walked around the fake menace. Now I see two flapping pieces of paper…

"W- wha?" I whispered. The inverted Mario was holding my real bro!! He was torn in half! "M- Mario!"

The inversion spoke. "Yes, I've killed my husk, Luigi. Maybe you're thinking a 1-up can save him, and that's why you aren't screaming out in terror?"

He's got that right! Does he really think I haven't been in a few pinches before? "You're gonna regret coming into our home like that!"

"I honestly regret assigning that shitty Koops the task of killing you. I was sure that his broken little heart would've inverted his soul a while back." He said. What did that mean??

Inversion Mario dropped the two halves of my bro and jumped up, unraveling the rope completely.

"You must be thinking, 'this imposter has to be some shape shifter'." He seemed to remain forever in that air! A flying enemy, huh? Well, anything I can't hit with my hammer…

I jumped, so easily too. I'm so strong in the morning-- oh fuck, never mind! The lack of gravity affected me too, and I hit my head on the ceiling! "Ooof!"

"I am no shape-shifter, brother!" He claimed to be my bro! What a fuck face! "I have inverted, and forced my husk out!"

"Hey, Mario!" From the living room jumped in Koops. "I didn't mention it earlier, but the color swap thing you have goin' on is pretty sick."

Inverted Mario whipped the rope at un-reactable speed and held it within his grip. "Koops, you betrayed my orders! You were suppose smash my brother thoroughly-- pound him from existence!-- stretch him out!-- penetrate his body until he couldn't take it anymore!!" He growled. "Why isn't Luigi dead and skewered?"

Koops cleared his throat. "You must be a bad guy." He sighed. "No worries, I'll help you fight him, Luigi."

I slipped! Barely anything happened so far, but I slipped! Wait, I'm still in the air…

"He's so quick! L-Luigi, the rope--" Koops quacked.

I didn't even notice it at first, but the rope was lasso'd around both my feet! I didn't slip, I was pulled! Inverted Mario _was_ quick! "Koops, help!" I uselessly screamed, as the inversion was fast to whip me into Koops, thwacking my partner, floating him away into the other room!

"Luigi! Take off your shoes!" Koops told me as he flew into the wall.

This gravity nulling ability is so strange, I hope this doesn't mess with my insides... Anyway, I followed Koops' advice, taking off my shoes. I was easily freed from the rope.

Then Koopa shoes flew past my head…? "There! My shoes are off, too!" Koops said with confidence. What the fuck is up with him??

The Inverted Mario squinted in confusion at Koops' shoes.

"So you tried to tie up my feet, restricting my legs, the most valuable part of me." I said. "It'd be dangerous if you tried to lasso me a second time."

"Koops shoes were a distraction." Inverted Mario added.

Koops lobbed Mario's switchblade along with his shoes, but Inverted Mario didn't notice me catching the blade behind my back, 'cause he was looking at the shoes!

"Do you think a switchblade is going to do much?" Inverted Mario questioned. "Bro?"

He whipped the rope again, lasso-ing around the switchblade. This inversion's incredible precision could never be the work of my brother, or any creature!

As the enemy pulled on that rope, I twisted the blade and used both hands to tear straight through that rope! "There we go! Now fight me head on, 'bro'!"

The force needed to break the rope also pulled me towards the imposter. Inverted Mario dodged the collision and pushed up the ceiling, which sent him back to the floor!

"Do you think you're escaping?! You dumb brother murderer!" I taunted as the enemy scuttled into the living room, struggling against his own gravity ability.

I pushed the ceiling, too, going back onto the floor. Glass broke in the other room. I ran into the living room just fine, meaning the gravity effect was disabled. In this room, the floor was still wet, and Koops was panicking.

"He's getting away!" Koops said, instead of fucking running after him!

I saw Inverted Mario, who already jumped out and escaped the house, flying off and away with a jump that never ended! Fuck! "Koops, run after him, will ya?! I'm gonna revive my brother."

Koops nodded, running out the front door. Uugh, this turned out to be a pretty shitty morning. I jogged over to the kitchen and leaned over to my dead bro on the table. I pulled out a 1-up mushroom and force fed 'em. "Mario? Are you comin' through?" I asked.

"AAAUURHGG LUIGI WHY DID YOU REVIVE ME???" Mario screamed. I realized the possible torment of being revived while literally ripped in half. Oops. "Tak- t- take me to the hospital…"

And so I obeyed. I'm not sure what will happen with the inversion and Koops, but I'm sure Koops is fitter than me to go on a dash like that, right?

"Luigi, what the fuck are you doing??" My bro said.

Right.

A trip to the emergency room later, I returned back to the house, exhausted and alone. I shoved lunch down my throat and left to search for Koops. Knowing what he's like so far, he probably failed to catch the inversion, then hid in shame, as to not get a scolding from me. Why else would he not be here?

"He's dead." I thought. Thanks, subconscious.

The hunt for the koopa lasted about an hour. I searched the nearby village, but no one seemed to know what was up. I ended up at the outskirts of a forest, believe it or not, where I saw Koops at a distance: he was holding his shell, staring at it for whatever reason.


	3. Inversion Goes On

"I didn't stop him."

"Oh, what the fucks the matter with ya?" I asked Koops. This shit's gonna turn into the Isle Dolphino debacle again, with another fake Mario and all.

"I just couldn't." Koops got up from the spot he was at near the tree. What was up with him? "The shell in my arms… I- I couldn't throw it at him. I was about to, but one glance, and the shell felt… cursed? That's the only word I could use to describe that feeling I felt."

Fuck. "Koops, it's okay. I made sure the authorities knew the situation as they sent my bro to the E.R.. They'll handle this, I'm sure-- that being said, you should go home and rest, okay? I bet the police are looking for you right now."

"Yeah…" Koops said as he left. "See ya…"

There he went. Uuugh. I guess I should start investigating this whole thing.

Err… wait a second. Being paper thin, I can easily feel when the air around me is unnatural. It feels almost like… someone's behind me.

"You better not fucking walk away, Paper Luigi."

I jumped in shock! Someone got _that_ close to me, at least a foot away, and I didn't even notice?! I twisted like a top to look behind me.

"Calm the fuck down." It was Muhammad from the real world! He was a bit frantic himself, though.

If you didn't know, Muhammad is a profit turned deity by his friend, Jesus Christ. He's omnipresent, but not as incredibly chill and skilled.

"Okay, so ever since the chaos emeralds were transported away, it kinda threw our universe outta balance-- fuckin' whatever, whatever, I'm wasting too much time."

"Chaos emeralds?" I asked, not sure what he meant by that.

"You know, your brother told you that whole story yesterday-- what am I doing reading your mind? I'm so fuckin' slow." Muhammad clenched my arm! "You have to go to the normal dimension _now_."

I didn't have a choice, the man of men was going to force me into some retarded adventure, I know it. I at least hope this stupid thing is related to the Inverted Mario thing.

"That's right, Paper Luigi. If we don't go right fuckin' now…" Muhammad paused to gift me a soaring glare. "Then a lot of people might die."

This is strange… couldn't he and Jesus easily fix whatever great evil is coming? I know it's not good to question the rule of those two, but still.

"I joined a few people together at an Applebees in Sarasaland. You must join them too."

Then his hands started shining rays of Holy energy. Oh FUCK! The blinding light that proceeded Muhammad's words were incomprehensible! We were sent through a wormhole! Is this dimensional travel?? Oh GOD I'M GONMA HAVE A SEIZURE. AAAH!

"Dude, stop screaming." Muhammad said.

…..…Oh. Wow, I guess dimension travelling isn't that scary now that I'm getting used to it. I wonder what I'll have at Applebees… have I ever been there before? Eh, I don't think so, but I bet the food is great.

"Are you narrating in your head? Anyway, we're here."

This is Sarasaland? It looks like Soviet Russia, but slightly more orange. Right in front of us is this really out-of-place restaurant, that I suppose is our destination.

"Stop fucking narrating in your head." Muhammad was weirdly pissed. "Whatever, fucking whatever, I'm just thinking too hard."

I ahemed. "So we're going to a random restaurant in Daisy's kingdom? Ya know the Mushroom Kingdom is where all the good shit's at."

"Come on, let's go in. Unless you need to talk more."

Jeez, why is Muhammad being such an ass?

Muhammad grunted. "You know, I'll explain a little. You know the good God up the sky? The lord of the multiverse? Every now and then he just decides to merge a buncha' random universes together. Someone like you would never notice, because of the Mandela effect, but I know. Let's just say Jesus isn't my only friend anymore, and when we walk into that Applebees, I'm gonna have to socialize with strangers of my class."

"Are you saying that I'm attending a party of demigods??" I'm only sorta comfortable around two demigods, I'm gonna fucking freak if I have to go in that Applebees!

"You're not a demigod, so you have no reason to be anxious. Worry about the normal people there." He assured my safety, at least. "Come on, Jesus is already telepathically pestering me."

We entered, walked through the broom closet-sized waiting lodge, and opened the next door into the cooling breeze of the restaurant. No one was eating. A waitress approached, presumably to escort us to our seats.

"Good afternoon! Just you two?" She asked.

"Yep, just me and my fist." Then Muhammad absolutely _decked her across the fucking room!_ I jumped in awe! There's no way…

"Muhammad!!" I screamed. "WHAT HAVE YOU D--"

Muhammad quickly put his finger over my lips. "Ssssshhhhhutup."

I looked back over to the hurt woman, and saw a tail…? Nine tails, actually. She was a furry, is that why Muhammad punched her? Hmmm, maybe it was justified…

"What's wrong with having a little tail in your life?" The waitress instantly appeared in front of my eyes! She smiled and gave me creepy bedroom eyes. "Name's Kitsune, by the way."

She must be a demigodess!! Wait, taking another look, her face was pretty… hairy. She definitely wasn't trying to go for the human look. After a third look, she was definitely a white fox… And after my final observations, she was a guy.

I was getting scared again. "Muhammad?" I whispered to him.

"You're safe, Paper Luigi." He responded. "Ignore the creep. The decent deities are up ahead."

So we continued-- though, Kitsune was following us pretty closely. In my thoughts, I knew Kitsune was probably the sorta deity to mess with people's heads, so I tried my best to ignore him. Also, the rubble created in the rough interaction was all cleaned up, as if it never happened.

Turning the corner, I felt a terrifying sensation. It's like space and time was twisted and stretched, because the small walkway we were on was suddenly much more wide. The tables ahead were arranged like a knight's roundtable.

"Muhammad, is that your disciple?" I heard Jesus say on the other side of the table.

I looked around slowly. From left to right, there were beings at the table: a large red bird, Jesus, a blue robot kid, a brown pointer mix dog (don't ask how I know the breed), and a green-haired lady.


	4. I'm Literally Just Just Standing Here

The green-haired lady smiled lightly. "This is definitely the strangest group I've had to work with. Not complaining yet, though."

Muhammad nudged me. "Paper Luigi, sit to my right."

"How much to your right??" I asked. Oh no oh god.

"I dunno, sit next to green lady. Make sure not to be rude, by the way."

I was pulling out my seat when the blue robot spoke up. "Okay, who the fuck is this guy? Where's Paper Mario?"

Jesus took that question. "Muhammad and I already arranged this. Paper Mario's brother, Paper Luigi, is going to replace him. This is because, unfortunately, Paper Mario is currently hospitalized."

"What? Aren't you fucking Jesus? Just heal him you bitch!" The robot said. This really _is_ weird. I sat, but Muhammad didn't for some reason.

"The elites of this universe work in mysterious ways." Jesus might be sarcastic here. "Besides, Paper Mario can't fight anymore; a chunk of his soul was ripped out." After saying that, Jesus preemptively looked at the green lady, who was just about to open her mouth.

"So this 'Paper Mario' guy's a half-spirit human now?" She queued up.

Muhammad interupted. "This is getting out of hand. Let us start with the introductions, clockwise." Oh, so now Muhammad has confidence? "No hour long speeches for the lulz, either. I'll start."

Ah crap, the gods and goddesses have chosen me to fight a new evil! I gotta think of an intro fast!

"I, Muhammad, was once only a profit of the Jesus guy over there. Yada-yada, he split his powers with me and now I'm a deity. Right now, Paper Luigi is under my teaching. Paper Luigi?" Muhammad then sat.

That was it? I gotta think of an intro faster! "Huh?!-- Um I'm-a Luigi, number-a one!" That's what I came up with?? Oh no, I'm so fucked!

"You're… definitely Paper Mario's brother." The robot remarked.

Alright, then. I guess no one's really angry at me.

Next was that bright red bird. Was she a pheonix? She stood up on her seat, for height. There was a look of concern on that face, though. She tried smiling regardless. "Hey guys, my name's Kazooie… y'all probably heard of me and my pals saving the world a few months ago. I used to be a really feisty bird, but a lot of things happened that kinda ruined that… anyway, you're probably wondering where my 'deity' is! Well, during the adventure I mentioned, my brother Banjo… ascended into a demigod. I guess by default, I'm his disciple. Banjo's not here right now, though…" she then sat, kinda blankly staring.

So I guess the story my bro told me had some sort of truth to it. Still weird.

Jesus stood, all holy-like. "I am Jesus, child of the virgin Mary. I used to be a carpenter, I guess, but now I just drink soda and chill." He sat.

Another quick one. Things were getting comfortable already… I think.

Now it's the robot's turn. He stood. "My real name is Rock, but during my job, you can call me Mega Man. I work as a justice robot who fights for everlasting peace! My headquarters is over in America--" he abruptly paused. "--I mean… after some recent events, I am now stationed in Kishiwada, Japan. Also, I can shoot shit out of my arm. … Oh right. Yeah, I'm also a disciple of Jesus or something." he finished.

Jesus cleared his throat. "Thank you, Rock. We're doin' fine so far, so… next is Kitsune and his disciple, who _will_ choose their words wisely."

"You got it." Kitsune showed off a toothy grin towards Jesus. He was wearing a plaid shirt now for some reason. He rose up, lit by a furious, yet mysterious holy aura! "… So you wanna know my backstory?" The room darkened, as all lights arced over to focus on the Kitsune. "I'll give you one." His smile was so sinister. Fear struck my mind for an instant.

Then the fear was absolutely washed away by burning hatred! It wasn't my anger, though-- it was Muhammad's! He stood up. "Alright, next." He said.

Everything was forced to how it was again, and my own glint of fear vanished before it consumed me.

The lady next to me wasn't sitting properly in her chair, like she was expecting this situation to eventually go south. Mega Man and Kazooie refused to even look at Kitsune at the moment. Awkwardness aside, Kitsune sat, giving leeway to his disciple.

The dog didn't stand. I'm not the kind to get angry over something small like that, but I feel like I already know how unfocused this intro will be… "Hey, I'm Peanut Butter Sandwich, but I prefer 'Peanut'. I know Kitsune probably makes you all uneasy, but he gives some pretty soothing hugs! I hope that each one of you give him a chance! …" Peanut stuck his tounge out in contemplation, then shifted to a happier expression, much like a dog would. "Oh, right! You wanna know about me." He unzipped his fanny pack, pulling out a Nintendo 3DS. "I also got thousands of hours on Animal Crossing!"

"Holy shit, me too!" I hushed out of my mouth accidently.

Kitsune, even though he was prematurely silenced, was still grinning. It made me feel… kinda weird. He tried to speak again. "So--"

"Nope. Next." Muhammad interupted.

Kitsune vanished, poofing with cloud of smoke, then back with another puff, leisurely floating behind Muhammad. "Sooooo… Peanut." Kitsune flew to his disciple, stroking the back of the dog's head, who was wagging now.

"Hm?" Peanut responded.

"You don't really don't have any fighting or magickal capabilities, I'm sure that's why the demis are eye'n me right now. But you know what you do have? I think it's pretty important to have a little bit of this while y'all go nuts on the field." Kitsune glanced around, awaiting Peanut's response-- but the wait was too long.

"Sanae, your intro." Muhammad made it clear.

"I hope this isn't rude, but I want to hear them speak. If they're actually going to work with us, they should give us a clear idea of what they're like." Sanae tried to bring the spotlight back.

Kitsune grinned again. "At least someone here can sense usefulness."

"Kitsune, I can't read minds like other deities can, but I can sense something odd is going on here. If your disciple's power 'isn't the business of weak-minded mortals', then just tell me. Only me-- or is that not the problem?" Sanae belittled the other mortals in the room, even if it was unintentional.

Kitsune wiggled his fingers around Sanae. "Yeah, it's probably too weird for everyone else…" he palmed her forehead. "But you can understand."

I adjusted my hat, as it was starting to slip off with all of this nervousness sweat in me. Kazooie was drinking an ice-cream float, which was jealous-inducing. A few moments of Kitsune telepathically feeding exposition later, Sanae jolted back.

"Oh." She simply said.

"You see now? Do you relate to Peanut's soul a little more?" Kitsune said.

Sanae was flustered "… I think I actually know someone who would find that entire scenario pretty interesting… not me, though." She got up from her chair and started walking out. "See ya! I've decided that I'll stick to my normal shrine duties this time!"

And there goes Sanae.


	5. Forced Priority

I heard the white fox's chuckle. "Yep, she's definitely not comin' back. But her leave was planned, wasn't it?"

"Oh shit! The furry bitch god has _premonition?_ " Muhammad was snarling. " _No shit it was planned._ "

"Please shut up, Muhammad." Jesus instructed.

"Kitsune, you are a scumbag shit, and I hope all furries burn in hell." Muhammad kept going. "I am _so_ fuckin' angry, and all you had to do to make that happen is exist."

"You're not angry at me, are you?" Kitsune asked.

Jesus flashed his eyes at his friend Muhammad, who in this instance, was like a student. "You're smarter than this, Muhammad." He said. "Don't you remember?"

Muhammad cringed. "Fuck! _Fuck!_ I'm thinking too much!"

Jesus faced towards me…? "Paper Luigi, have you noticed that Muhammad's been nervous lately?"

I nodded, quick and concise.

"It might not be seen by any physical lenses, but Muhammad is struck with a sickness."

"He's not gonna start killing us, is he?" Mega Man asked, though Kazooie shut him up, with a tug on the arm. Jesus continued.

"Your brother, Paper Mario, had the same disease. Let me explain." Jesus shaped a holographic image of a gem in his hand. "This… _was_ a chaos emerald. They used to radiate this unique kind of energy which could be manipulated through the will of a user. Though, even non-chaos users have assimilated this chaotic energy into their very soul, so when the chaos emeralds were lost in another dimension, it left the chaos in our souls unmaintained. To invoke this unchecked chaos can be done simply through enough anger-- but to do so will rip your soul in half."

What Jesus was going on about was usually too complex for me, but I analyzed every word for the sake of finding out what happened to my bro…

"A piece of Paper Mario's spirit literally jumped out, and physically manifested-- and it's happening to others, as well. It's called soul inversion. This situation will escalate, like a pandemic."

"Also," Muhammad interupted. "Chaos makes people emotionally unstable, but you really don't want to give into those emotions."

"M- my brother!--" Kazooie jumped in.

"Yes, Kazooie?" Said Jesus.

She put her wings over her beak. "So when, uh, my brother became a god, er, how did that even happen? I know that was chaos related!"

"Banjo's case is very weird. At some point, Banjo must've almost died, which should've released any chaos within and brought his soul to heaven… but since that didn't happen, that must mean that the chaos built up in his soul was so plentiful, that it actually took over what was left of your brother. That also means the Banjo you know and love… is already in heaven."

"So you mean… my bro's… dead?" Kazooie didn't want another word, but Jesus kept on.

"Oh, his body is fine, but if you want him to stop being a husk controlled by chaos, then you can always give 'em a world renowned 1-up mushroom. It doesn't take back their soul, but instead, fills in the body with a new fabricated soul." Jesus said to Kazooie, but when those words were spoken, I knew they were deliberate; Jesus was referring to me.

I don't want to think about this, anymore.

"That's right, using a 1-up only creates another soul that will eventually die and clog-up heaven. Now that you aren't ignorant, please stop using 1-ups, and just let people die when it's their time."

I nodded.

Jesus cracked his neck. "Yes, I really don't want to clog heaven… which will definitely happen if a bunch of people's souls start inverting. So this team is here to keep the peace, and dissipate inversions. Any questions?"

"So we have to destroy inversions… but doing that would certainly make our own souls inverted, right?" Kazooie asked. Yeah, for real, I don't wanna fight if getting angry means potentially inverting myself.

"Is that even a question? Just focus your fighting will and don't be a puss."

I noticed Kitsune's toothy grin again. But a view around the rest of the table revealed Jesus and Muhammad passing a begrudged look towards me. "Don't be a puss"?… I'm starting to feel self-conscience.

"Oh, sure." Said Mega Man. "Doesn't matter to me, I'm prepared to lose a limb or two. I could get repaired, unlike Kazooie, or whatever."

"Hey, Jesus?" Said Peanut, still holding his 3DS for some reason. "I was zoning out there, and I think you were talking about souls and fighting-- ... Kitsune?" The dog seemed about as bewildered as I was.

"I'll explain everything to you, Peanut. Silence yourself, please." Kitsune hushed his disciple with a smooch on the head. Uggh.

"Anyway, all you guys and gals have to do now is listen to your deity. This meeting is now over." said Jesus.

That was the end of the weird meeting, with Jesus leaving a few things unexplained. Overall, the situation with my bro was still unresolved. I wonder what's goin' on with him right now. Everyone disbanded from the Applebees, with their deity transporting them back home, except…

"Hey, Paper Luigi." It was Kazooie. "Yeah... since my bro's nowhere, I'll hitch a ride with your deity back home."

"Yeah, I'm sure he's cool with that." I said.

"So… are you thinkin' of an alliance name, like I am?"

I did want a name for this new alliance, but Muhammad's probably wasn't gonna wait to take me back to the Paper Dimension.

"How 'bout we call it… 'Team Five Star'?" I made up.

"No, that's awful Paper Luigi--"

Kazooie was cut off by Muhammad. "Come on, let's go."

So we did. I was wishing to understand Kazooie a little more, but whatever; I'm sure this alliance is temporary stuff until the bigger heroes come. It's now at least half past six, and my home dimension reflected that fine. When Muhammad and I separated, I made a dash over to the hospital before it got too dark out.

I made it to the Mushroom Kingdom Medical Center, where my bro was being held. The clerk was a toadette who recognized me as a hero equal to Paper Mario.

"Are you here for Mario?" She guessed. When I nodded, she quickly let me sign in.

That Mario Inversion better be caught. The last thing I want to think is that he can come back to hurt my bro again. I'll have to make that my priority if he isn't, I'm sure Muhammad won't mind.

I memorized the room number and section, then made my way towards bro.

Entering his room, I whispered behind the closed curtain where he should be laying. "Mario?" I peeked through a bit.

My bro… was normal. He was in bed, drinking his water. "Hey Luigi, I'm not in the E.R. anymore!"

"That's cool. What did the doctor say?"

He set his water aside. "Bit 'a brain damage."

I was shooken. "You said that too non-chalant. H- how bad is it? Please tell me you'll be okay!"

"I'm fine, Luigi. It ain't permanent… supposedly."

"Bro… you need to be heavily guarded. What if that fake clone of you comes back?"

"What're ya gonna do?"

I leaned over my bro protectively. "I'll guard you myself! Maybe have some of the princesses royal guard come in!--"

"No, just the guards will be fine."

"M- Mario, I'll be here for piece-of-mind purposes. I don't care if our house gets looted, what's important is that you're _completely_ safe!"

But it seemed my bro was insistent on me leaving. "Don't you have an adventure you gotta be doing?"

Did Muhammad tell him about the alliance…? "What do you mean, Mario?"

"It doesn't take a god to know you've got some stuff to take care of. Am I right, or am I right?"

He was right. There's this inversion pandemic happening, but I'm talking about wasting my time guarding my bro? I have such a bent sense of justice-- something I should probably correct.


	6. Having a Field Night Over Here

The fresh cardboard structure that made my bro's house, and the whispey paint which coat a memorable color-- when I came within a view of that once gorgeous home, it was charcoaling in an enraged flame.

_ O-our house is fucking burning! _

"Luigi! Luigi!" I heard Koops running to my side on the hill I stood. "I- I can't believe it!"

_ Who the fuck did this?! _ I thought, but even a fool would remember faster: the inversion Mario must be behind this! He must've lit the whole place up!

Koops' posture was in such a way that his sensitive eyes were kept from seeing the bright flames-- but I couldn't stop looking. "Luigi! You have to watch out!"

"Wait, Koops! Why are you here gawking?! Call the police!" I screamed.

He screamed back. "I did! But you have to watch out!"

What did he mean? The flames stopped rising at heaven, but slowly radiated like the sun. It was like a ball of plasma now… what the fuck?

Koops bounced back a little. "Normally when fire burns, its flames move upwards, but when there's no gravity, there is no such thing as up!-- the flames go in all directions!" He said. "Inverted Mario has the ability to null gravity, remember?! The plasma ball means he's still around! And you should get back!"

So that that inversion bitch is really close, then. I knew he would strike back in some way, but why did he set my house on fire? He knows I'm not in it, right?

"FOR FUCKS SAKE, BACK AWAY! THE FLAMES ARE GOING IN ALL DIRECTIONS!!"

Koops twisted my arm and threw me backwards! The fire bubble enlarged unexpectedly, with the sounds of a bolt of lightning! If it weren't for Koops, I would've been set ablaze by the adjusting plasma ball…

I have to be a man, now. "Damn it, you flat bitch! Come and show your flimsy ass!" I left my fighting hammer inside, but whatever.

I witnessed as Inverted Mario walked out of my burning home, laminated to protect his own body. I was pumping myself up, but then I saw a second body walk from the brightness. It was… Koops?-- but inverted.

The Koops next to me passed me an embarrassed smile. "Well, now you know why I'm here. I think I have an understanding of how my inverted freak fights based on-- you know-- myself."

"You really gonna fight, Koops? You really gonna be a badass, kid?!" I asked, but I didn't want an answer, 'cause…

I flashed my arms in defense, bracing a brash impact of my enemy's rubber sole!  _ Fuck that hurt _ .

"You wanna fight while I'm distracted??" I pulled out a switchblade with my right hand. "You're so predictable!"

I saw the glance of Inverted Koops! Kinda expected the other guy, but whatever. The eyes of the inversion were as deep as a void. Definitely not the type to speak, I assume.

"Hey, weird Koops! You mind showing off that ability 'a yours? I know you have one." I said. My first assumption is it had to do with his shell.

I made a few feverous checks on normal Koops. Inversion Mario was just absolutely whaling on the kid!-- thank Jesus, he had the brains to hide in his shell. Actually, he's had fighting experience, right? Of course, my bro may have told me a few things in the past about that koopa.

Okay, back to inverted Koops. He was grabbing my arm? He wasn't holding it tight. As soon as he regrabbed my focus, the fire orb that was burning in the back bursted back to a normal upwards flame.

"Unavoidable." He simply said, whispering. Aw fuck?

I heard a swoosh and felt a wiggle atop my head. It was on my cap! "What?!" I yipped, throwing my cap off me. On the ground, the hat almost looked like an old… wing cap?

"Can't stop me." The inversion said next. He backed away.

_ Wait, my hand is heavy!-- _ wait, not anymore? In fact, my hand seems to be ascending!

I lifted up from the ground?! It's like there was something propelling my hand upwards! I looked and saw a pair of wings on my glove?!

"Y- your ability!" I kept flying up. "Koops! Your inversion puts wings on stuff!"

Koops was still in his shell. Yeah… I can't imagine what hell it would be to face someone as strong as my bro.

I tried taking off the winged glove, but it seemed to rush its flaps even more! The force of ascension put my arms down. I'm glad that I'm paper, 'else I'd have a broken arm. Now I know how fettuccine feels.

Inversion Koops jumped up with wings of his own. I had to be at least 15 meters off the grass!

"Yeah! Are we gonna dogfight?!" I shouted.

He had my cap in his hand, which he proceeded to put on. The guy put wings on his own shell, and after an ascent up to my level, he… stared at me, with a dandy smile.

"Take off your glove." He said, still cherishing the moment.

I get it. I have no weapons to attack from here, and the glove seems adamant on keeping me here… but if I take off the glove, I'll fall into the burning house that I was conveniently placed over. Is he trying to prove some sort of point?-- 'cause if he wanted me to burn, he would've controlled the glove to throw me in-- but no, he wants  _ me _ to do it. Uugh, this fuckin' guy.

"Alright." I chuckled, slipping off the glove.

I flipped into a lateral orientation. I know that when fire burns, its air currents created from the convection push clockwise towards the air! If I'm flat down, that force will be enough to parachute me to safety.

So I landed in the grass. The inverted Koops still stared into my soul. He took my hat off and wiggled it around.

"Come back here…" he cracked a twitch with his fluffy smile. "Or your hat goes in the fire."

I was gonna return, anyway. I jumped up at my foe, using the rising and cycling cold air to push my paper body upwards. The inverted Koops snapped from his expression of solitude as I showcased what I call my "up special" attack. My fist went into the inversion's jaw, and tore the head right off.

"Yahoo!" I said, like old times.

The being was made of chaos, so it fizzled away from reality. My gloves and hat turned to normal, so I'll grab them when I land-- Wait a sec… where am I landing?

"Oh FUCK!"

I was going feet first into the flames of my house! Oh, I'm a dumb bitch! It's too late to use the bullshit technique again, so I had to just tank it!

" _ Noooo! _ " I screamed instinctively.

I fell through the damaged roof, right in the center of the living room. Yep, the flames are right below me! Aaugh, it reeks of gasoline!

My face planted straight into the flames! "AAAAH FUUUUUUUU" I shouted out in emotional agony! This is why I hate weird adventures so much! Fuck you, Muhammad!

I am burning, right? I'm so done with this life. In reality, this is how I fantasize my death to be like. The whole thing would be "Oh, whoops! Looks like I  _ have _ to check out here!", as if it was death asking me out to a nice cold date. Ice cold, to save me from the entropy of life, and convey me to the safety of the sky.

The fire must be scorching my nerves-- I can't feel a thing… let me die already, damn it! I can't hear it, either. My eardrums must be burning away…

…

Or I can't hear it because it's literally frozen in place.

Seriously, the flames aren't moving-- at least not the one's around my vicinity. What the fuck? They're not hurting, nor are they making a sound. I can see the fire, but flinging it around is like playing with thick fog.

I… uh… left the house surrounded by that weird phenomenon. I'm sorry, I don't know how to explain all that without sounding strange-- then again, strange stuff has been happening more and more recently.


	7. Frozen Progress

As I walked out of the aflamed home, Koops was sprinting right to me!

"I- I'm comin', Luigi!"

It was like he was semi-blind, 'cause he ran into me. "Koops, where's the bad Mario?"

"Right! I was defending against his attacks, but I heard you falling through the house, so I--"

"So we're still under attack, right?!" I pointed out. "What're ya doing!?"

"W- what am I doing?" Koops asked himself. "I- I'm trying to save you from… burning… alive?"

What was going on with Koops? … Oh, yeaaah. He might be confused why neither of us are burning right now.

"I assumed that the bad Mario wouldn't run into a burning building, but is the fire… not real?" Koops continued.

"The fire is frozen." I confirmed.

"What does that mean?"

I pushed Koops over to the side, witnessing the figure of our current enemy. Inversion Mario was staying still, ever emotionless.

I rubbed my eyes. "What is that guy doing? He’s laminated, right? Why isn’t he just walking in here?"

"Luigi… T- the fire?" Koops was about as estranged as I was.

"Y- yeah, here's the thing: it's frozen." I'm not sure how to sound like a sane, mature figure right now. "I don't really get it, either, Koops."

Thirty seconds of waiting later, I felt a chill go through my nerves. I ignored it at first, all that's needed is the time between now and an emergency vehicle coming our way. I don't know why the fire is frozen, but it's our saftey for now.

"Time goes on, Paper Luigi."

Huh? That voice wasn't Koops, it couldn't be.

"A life of a full span, or of half that-- it doesn't really matter to you, does it? 'Cause we all die in the end, right? Guh huh."

I needed some affirmation. "Hey, Koops."

Koops whispered back. "Yeah, I hear it."

We both tensed up, preparing for a fight against whoever snuck up on us! We flipped around in a stance. In the charcoaling living room, there was a strange figure in the corner of the ceiling…

"It's a sleep demon!" Koops blurted.

Maybe the smoke is making us hallucinate the same thing? Taking a better, more focused observation, the thing sorta resembled a brown bear-- though, something was definitely twisted about it.

"Hey! Come here jackass!" I called out.

The creature sparked out of existence. I'm going nuts, now. Koops jumped back.

"Luigi!" He voice-cracked.

Below my feet, I saw the same twisted bear lying on the floor. I jumped away, much like my partner!

"I'm sure you'd just love to make it all freeze. No more aging, and an infinite era of relaxation." The bear ominously spoke. "Guhuhuhyu… Don't go jumpin' away from your new friend, Paper Luigi."

"Y- you must be some freaky little inversion, too!" I claimed. I won't let it trick me.

The bear flashed itself out of existence! I heard a whisper accompany it. "Don't let my hint blow in the wind. Grab it, like the fire around ya…"

That was fucking strange.

Koops was shivering in the fire. "Luigi, I'm getting a really bad feeling…"

I could hear the roof continue to snap. How wide is this freezing radius? From here, I'm-a guess 5 meters (2 yards for Americans). Yeah, we should probably not stick here any longer.

There was a very large snapping sound! Koops just fucking left me in his dust. I started jostling my way out, too.

"READY"

Oh shit--

The roof not only crashed, but slammed down in one spot! The particles made me choke! I ran faster, only to be blocked by something metal.

"Ruff!" Barked the red metal dog. What kind of breed is this? It was in the shape of a surfboard, and it was floating, but it was obviously a dog-looking thing.

"Paper Luigi, you're lucky that crime left after half the world was nuked. That means right now, my job considers saving you my priority." It was that one robot, stiff in the smoke. "My name is Mega Man." Yes, I knew that.

"Mega Man?" I whimpered. Of course, if you were in this situation, you would be peeing your overalls about now, too. "Don't scare me, you hunk of metal."

I heard sirens in the distance. Holy fuck, how long did that take?

"The threat is on the run." Mega Man said, as if on a communicator. "Yes, evacuate." He turned back to me and flailed his arms up. "Fucking get on Rush, Paper Luigi!"

I jumped onto the flying surfboard dog, and off it went. Did the inversion run away? I don't know, I'm already kinda tired. It's gotta 11pm by now. Looking back at my burning house as the dog carries me up and away, I feel real… feeble. What could literally anyone have done to prevent this. Me and my bro moved to Petalburg 'cause it had such a quaint beauty, but now I feel like we'll never be safe here again.

Was that bear some sorta shared hallucination? What did it tell me again? Doesn't matter, I'm sure-- but maybe…

Whatever. Where was this dog taking me, anyway? "Dog? Hey, police dog?"

It wasn't saying a thing, but it lowered down onto the ground. Great, the height was starting to bother me. The dog printed a sheet of heat sensitive paper, spitting it out onto my hand as I got off.

It read: "Evacuation notice for the residents of Petalburg". I didn't read the rest of it, I got the gist.

So this inversion thing really is troublesome. If one burned my fucking house, then the only solution I'll allow is complete eradication… I'm not too weak for that, right?

I was pondering my potential for a moment, until the thought of a white fox intruded my head.

"Hey, Luigi." The voice said.

"What?" I answered back. The voice was complimented with a strange, yet forced familiarity.

"Did you pee your overalls, yet?" Fuck you, Kitsune. "Don't care. I'd love you the same if you did. I need you to follow my voice, Luigi."

It's like these gods want to guide me on a thin strand of fate. What's the benefit of that over solving their problems themselves? Fine, I'll follow you, Kitsune.

"There's a spot in Sarasaland forest where you'll meet up with someone who'll teach you some decent morals. Seriously, it'll help."

Yeah, improvement is unavoidable with you guys, isn't it? Mama-mia.


	8. Public Dissonance

It's been a small amount of days since agreeing to the fight on inversions, I wonder if I should get a fully automatic assault rifle. Also, I'm approaching the border between the paper realm and the actual realm. It's rare that I cross between the two, but you can't legally pay a prostitute to eat a spaghetti dinner with you over here in the paper realm, which is kinda fucked up.

The gate cross area looked so empty, it was spooky. I mean, I've been waiting for the booth person to take my passage fee money, but there was no one inside, so I just walked past. Where's the security around here?

"Hey paper guy, are you still with me?" I was waiting for Kitsune to say somethin'.

"There you are, Kitsune. Can you tell me what the hell is going on here? Where is everyone?" I asked.

"It's closing time, you dip."

"For public transportation? But everyone knows that public shit is always open. It has to be." I say that, but it's not like I've ever had to use any sort of public commute before. I think I watched a Japanese cartoon where the main character tipped a bus driver… Maybe that's how public transport operators make their money. Do they take debit? I guess it wouldn't matter to me; my card expired last year.

I heard Kitsune jokingly snort. "Oh stop it. Your troubled character is tickling me."

Do I wanna know what that means?

I broke the subject. "Kitsune… The inverted Mario fucker got away, and I feel so shitty. I would ask for your advice, but I'm sure you can do without the sappy garbage, so I'll get to the point: was it fate?" I asked.

There was a restrictive silence between me and the deity. I felt a slow regret building within… Was I being too cool about this?

"Yes you are." Kitsune responded to my thought. Ah fuck. "I don't really mess with that pre-deterministic philosophy stuff myself, but you gotta admit; to assume you're worthy of such an answer straight from a deity is pretty egotistical. 'Was it fate'? You asked that like you wanted a shortcut to justifying your shit character, even for just a moment. The last thing any decent deity would want is for a growing person to patch their personality a blanket of fake terminology and short-sighted thinking. You're here to have fun, you're here for ticklish euphoria, but most of all, you're here to grow up. That's objective, at least in this multiverse. Are you satisfied with that answer?"

So I can't have a peaceful life, _or_ a cool personality? Just what kind of growth am I gonna see here?

"Anyway, tread lightly. There's someone here." He said without build up.

The gate was in front of me, surrounded by grass, even though I'm technically indoors. Again, is no one protecting this, or do I get a free warp? Not now, I guess- who do I have to fight?

I heard a whisper, and I think a few rats, but nothing's immediately catching my attention. I'm now a foot apart from the gate.

"There's no one here, except maybe a ghost." I said.

Suddenly, the smell of sweat and body odor snagged my nostrils. My instincts shoved my thin body against the nearest lamp pole.

"I need to fight… Any bitch still here?"

There his voice was. He was German, and most likely a bodybuilder-- though, an actual usage of my eyes would be helpful.

"Evil clones? Normal people? I don't give a fuck." Said this absolute chad.

He wasn't bad looking… though, he was nothing more than a mere citizen. I believe this fight will be one-sided.

"If anyone is too chump to step out, I might have to pull out my MIPS disassembler."

What?

"I can type a mean asm hack."

I stepped out, fully prepared for conflict! I know not knowing my enemy's fighting style is dangerous, but I've been fine so far.

The German near the hall's opening wasn't facing my direction, like he wasn't even aware of me… Are my feet that quiet?

I launched my voice right to him. "HEY!" I yelled.

My opponent jumped in fright!

"What the shit?" He said. "How long have been there?"

"At least thirty seconds." Confidence shone in my voice. "Come on, let's fight, big man."

"Call me Kaze Emanuar." He said, though I didn't care. "Ya, you don't care, and that's how life is- But it'd be kind of rude if you didn't introduce yourself back. You know?"

Who the fuck was this weirdo? I was under the impression that this lump of meat didn't care about introductions.

"Name's Ass Kicker!" I said. Time to amp up the justice.

Mr. Emanuar whipped out a Nintendo 64 from his back pocket. I flinched, but then realized how stupidly strange and specific that was. He also reached into his other back pocket to grab a whole desktop computer, albeit not as flinch inducingly quick.

"What?" I uttered from under my mustache. Does shit like this happen in Mario's adventures?

"I have the reality shattering ability to hack the planet." Kaze told me. "You look like a pussy, but you look like a strong pussy. So before we fight, tell me your superpower."

Superpower? I guess in this bizarre world, it would make sense to ask something like that, but why me? I mean, I'm wearing a plumber's attire- What would make Mr. Emanuar think that I have a power?

"Come on, tell me-- wait a second…" Kaze interrupted himself. "Is my mind playing tricks on me? It's pretty dark in here, but are you… Paper Luigi?"

I really thought people would have memorized my bro's entire family lineage due to how famous he is, but whatever.

"Huh… that's pretty interesting. I stumble into a portal and find someone famous that I actually know." Kaze said. This guy really is weird.

I ran up to the buff German man and slammed my foot into his large baseball bat sized cock! The twisted reaction upon Kaze's face was shadowed in the night.

"AAUUGH! WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE??" he screamed, but I didn't care.

"Yeah, I'm Paper Luigi. What's it to you?" I said like a prankster.

"Uuuuuuuuuuu…" Kaze kept voicing his inner feelings of pain, and hopefully, regret.

He fell onto the ground, dropping the N64 and computer he was holding. I'm gonna be honest, it's probably midnight right about now. I don't care if any dumb fight comes my way, I'd be too tired to be cautious.

I walked up to the limped man on the floor. "Hey? Mr. Emanuar?" I said. As I checked his pulse, I felt a dread overcome me.

"Luigi." Kitsune said.

I ignored his presence at first, continuing to check the man. There… was nothing- he was cold, too. What the fuck?

"Hey, Luigi." He said again.

How the fuck is he dead?! How hard did I kick him? Did I just kill a man? I don't feel so good… Oh god. I must've shocked him so hard, that he went into cardiac arrest… Right?

"Hey." Kitsune persisted

"Y- yeah?" I finally answered back.

"Was it fate?" He asked.

Shut the fuck up. You gotta be pulling my dick.

"Am I? If I'm such a fate master, then I gotta say: you underestimate your opponents sometimes."

That random guy seemed harmless, though. Maybe Kitsune isn’t mad because I didn’t _actually_ kill him? Uugh, this whole thing was fucking weird. I'll go into the portal, now.


	9. The Cranberry

The other side of the portal was essentially a non-papery station of where I came in. I've been through here before, so I know my way around.

"This station was strategically placed a few miles away off the Mushroom Kingdom, in case the real Princess Peach needed a quick escape from danger." I assumed Kitsune was listening. "To the east should be Sarasaland forest, then Sarasaland."

"Doesn't it suck that the princess died so close to an escape route?" Kitsune said, who, mid-sentence, finally manifested himself.

"Oh boy…" I was trying not to get sleepy emotional. "That _does_ suck."

Walking out of the station, I realized it was day time out here. With a still emptiness instilling clarity into my thinking, I looked around the entrance I left. It was soft and relaxing, but definitely made me even more drowsy, somehow.

"By the way, Kitsune, what did you mean by 'you underestimate your opponents'?" I asked.

The deity held his ethereal hands on my shoulder. "Well, Luigi… sometimes when someone boasts the ability of reality manipulation, you just gotta run as fast as you can."

… I'm pretty sure that German dude was just bluffing.

"Let's have some theoretical fun, then." I said. "If that weird German really was so overboard in power, then shouldn't my first thought be to attack as fast and hard as possible? Ya know, to give them no chance to react."

Kitsune got closer and pinchier with his claws. "But you wouldn't think that if your opponent was cunning, right?"

I scratched my cap. "Eh… I don't know."

Kitsune grazed his paws towards my spine, giving me an awful tingle across my whole body.

"EEYY! What's that about?" I questioned. Oh god, please don't say you're gonna molest me. I already have thin trust for you.

"You know, Luigi… you might not realize it yet, but you have quite the journey ahead. The tutorial's end can be seen from here." He said. Uh oh.

"H- how long of a journey?" I asked.

Kitsune yawned, making me even more exhausted. "About 1 to 1000 days."

Oh, okay.

I sneezed into the air… lord, I've never felt so strange before. I just _knew_ I was gonna get sick, the unrivaled subtlety of an upcoming sore throat was already there.

Down the dirt path I went, there was a fork in the road, where the left led up the destroyed castle of the Mushroom Kingdom. For the sake of respect, I decided to make it across the path there. Maybe they were already cleaning up?

Huh?! "Kitsune!" I yelled, still going along. He was gone! Aaaagh!!

I made a stupid little spin 360 degrees looking for him. Shit, I lost him. Continuing forward, I perceived a freaky-ass orange glob of magma, shaped like a huge person.

"FUCK!" I screamed. The mood was already fucking with me, am I hallucinating??

A bright glow, and yet, translucent. The figure triggered sparks as it noticed my scream, turning its head. I saw the apparition was styled in strange military-like attire. I say styled because there was no attempt to wear any of it properly. Though it was pretty globbous, I could still make out a koopa's beak… was he a soldier of King Koopa? No… Bowser had died of mysterious circumstances some time ago.

I heard a roaring voice. "Who crosses the boundary of the Mushroom Kingdom?!" The ghost said! "Don't you have any sort of respect for the fallen?!"

The ghost lifted up their soldier helmet, looking at me with flaring eyes, definitely not those of a normal creature.

"Wait, fuck--" they coughed, pulling down their helmet over their eyes. Huh? "I get pulled out of automatic mode, and _that's_ what I see?"

Their voice sounded coincidentally like someone I know. Also… "automatic mode"?

"Never mind, give me vision." Then the ghost lifted up their helmet. "What are you doing here, Luigi?"

They didn't call me "Paper Luigi" like mostly everyone else.

"I should ask you the same thing, ghost. Why are you at this gate? Are you in limbo?" I asked.

"You fucking shithead, you know me!!" They exploded, and with this magma form they've got, almost literally. "It's me, Bowser! The paper one, by the way."

… What?

"Why are you looking at me like that, funny man?"

"You're not Paper Bowser." I said.

I heard a small voice accompany the ghost. "Who's he?"

"It's Luigi- and only him." The ghost said.

"He's s… you… t…" it was impossible to hear the lesser voice without coming closer, so I approached. "Your kingness, he's approaching! Don't you realize that has a similar power to yours?!"

The molten apparition was surprised for an instance before they raised their right claw, and jutted it down to my face! This guy must be twice my size almost! There was no burning, though. This was such a strange feeling…

"Damn it! How are you of all people able to see me?! That means... Luigi..." The ghost grinded his jaw. He clenched my face even harder, whispering harshly into my face. This is it, I'm gonna die. "Luigi, I'm definitely not gonna let someone like you go so easily… say goodbye to your face! You're no match for my 'The Cranberry', you hear?! You're NOTHING!!"

I started to cry… I've been through worse, but I was mentally broken at this point.

The ghost's crazy psychedelic molten eyes met with mine. He gave a deep growl. "Unless…"

Now I was audibly letting out cries of pain. I felt so sick.

The growl was even deeper now. "… Unless you're gonna bring out your stand?"

"What the fuck?! Kitsune! Help me!" I thought, but he wasn't there!

I got myself together finally and ripped the hand of the ghost off of me! It was easier than I thought!-- but that doesn't matter, I have to fucking _run_!

I dashed away from the rubble of the Mushroom Kingdom, back to the fork in the road!

"Shitshitshit!" I panicked.

It was still running after me! It's so fast, too! Going along the way into Sarasaland forest, I still didn't see Kitsune anywhere! Fuck me! I've gotta face this thing here and now! I pulled out a Dizzy Dail…

"This should slow you down, fatty!" I said, spinning the item into the air towards the ghost.

It didn't work…

Crap, so there's a force comin' at me in a second. I gotta dodge somehow! My instincts kept flaring up, but what was I going to do?!

Then I felt something, almost like something splinted from my leg and pushed me back! I tripped, somehow dodging the monstrous being! On the dirt road, I thought quickly. I knew this was the road I needed to be on, because I saw Kitsune. He was far ahead of me on the trail.

I got up. "Kitsune…?"

I ignored the magma ghost stamping around trying to centralize itself, and tried to understand what that deity was doing. Was Kitsune telling me something? Whatever! I need to fight.

But then there was a hush… a cold to contrast with the fire, like back at the burned house.

"Kitsune is getting away, Luigi." It was a soft voice behind me. "Do I really have to fight for you?"

"What?--" I sputted.

"He's leaving you, Luigi. Kitsune is leaving you. I can fight for you…" I felt something stroke my ear. "He's leaving…"

"Are you Kitsune?" I asked, since the deity was omnipresent, after all. I was given a good chance to collect myself; the magma thing was having a hard time with its gelatinous body. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING KITSUNE??"

"Your enemy is right there… Their name is 'The Cranberry'."

"I don't care! What am I supposed to do?! I need to know!" I said. I demanded the answer, as if I was crying at my soul.

They didn't answer, nor did they exist… I need a coffee after this fight.


End file.
